So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
