I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
