I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
