I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize