standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
bring money and cleavage
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
