have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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