i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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