I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How does one acquire holy water?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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