I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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