Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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