I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
