I'm drive I can fine osifer
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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