You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
