I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I need to align my fucking chakras
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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