Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hippo gnu deer
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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