why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
