You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
