she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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