I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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