I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
