i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
