I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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