You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
