wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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