my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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