everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
