Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
