I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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