i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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