Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
