I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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