so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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