I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
