he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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