Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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