Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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