I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
