sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We need to rekindle our bromance
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
