insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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