I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
