somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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