Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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