Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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