the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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