Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
