My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
