Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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