I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
