end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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