Your face is a jimmy john
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
