he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
of course. lets lasso hookers.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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