Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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