Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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