Im at strip club and am horny
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
