It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
