How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
