peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm just crazy horny about you
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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