New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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