I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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