Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
