I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
