My underwear smells like fireworks.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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