wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
