did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
50% drunk capacity currently
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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