She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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