Will you blow on my dice?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
