Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
