the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
