Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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